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In recent interviews, and promos, Jake Starr has made it clear that he hasn't had any intention of following the current TREND, and allowing the world to see the "other side" of who he really is.

He's fought it hard.

He believes that he is in this business for one thing, and one thing only.

He's here to win.

Unfortunately, with many of his fellow "co-workers" they see it as a business that has evolved into one where the fans want to see more. They believe fans are intrigued by the notion of getting to know their favorite superstars more "personally" rather than trying to base it all upon their comments regarding matches and other comments of a similar variety.

As much as he's pushed back, he feels it may be time to "give in."

He has decided that it is time to give the world the insight into his life story, and maybe then, they'll finally understand, or "get," who he really is.

He and Brandon Evans have made a trip to the studio that Jake has shot a lot of his parody vignettes at, to finally tell the world his story. Brandon agrees that it is time for Jake to "do the right thing" and let the world into his life.

The two walk into the building, and make a proverbial, "b-line," to the production room. Jake feels that it is necessary to have a few "visual aides" to help him tell his story. As they walk into the room, one of the production assistants sits at his computer preparing clips and photos for various videos the studio will be shooting today. The three quickly exchange greetings, and Jake begins to explain what he is looking for, as far as graphics go. He looks very serious in his desires. He wants to make sure that when he does this, he does this right!

The production assistant looks intrigued with Jake's requests. He can sense how serious this is to Jake, and wants to make sure he doesn't screw it up.

He begins to jot down some notes so he can make sure everything is covered appropriately.

Once the three finish their impromptu meeting, Jake and Brandon exit the room, leaving the assistant to do his "dirty work." They make their way down the hall to the actual studio, which Jake has called ahead to have setup. As they walk into the studio, they notice it is setup like that of a local, nightly, news program.

Brandon Evans: So... Where's the weatherman go?

Jake laughs at the inquiry of his fellow "Misfit." He explains that he felt this format was more suitable to the type of broadcast he plans on giving. Brandon shrugs off the explanation, and the two take a seat at their positions.

With no cameramen yet in the room, and the studio not quite ready to broadcast, Jake begins writing some notes down of his own. He wants to make sure he doesn't miss anything important in his life's history. While Jake writes diligently, Brandon gazes around the set wondering what exactly his role will be here, or if he just came because Jake decided it would be a nice "field trip" for the children.

After about five minutes of Jake writing, Brandon finally elects to take his own, personal tour, of the studio. He stands up from behind the desk and begins to fumble around with some of the props set off to the side, well out of frame. He rummages around, trying to find something that may spark his interest.

Brandon Evans: Oh sh!t!

Jake quickly looks up, thinking something bad has happened, and he'll be stuck paying for. He looks over at Evans, who has found one of Jake's other props. A sign from his vignette, "Homos Are Humans Too!"

Brandon Evans: Look what I found!

Jake laughs. It's a sign he hasn't seen in some time since coming to SCW. He was able to utilize it once. The apparent dislike amongst most of those who "matter" seemingly forced Jake to put it into a "semi-retirement."

Jake Starr: Good times man! Good times!

Jake goes back to writing his notes for himself, and Brandon once again starts to rummage.

As Brandon digs for more "buried treasure," Jake is seen over his shoulder looking up. He can't seem to "pen down" exactly what aspects of his life he hopes to "enlighten" people with.

He's been through a lot.

He's recently reconnected with a friend who has been there, even as their paths went two completely opposite ways.

He's found his bride.

He's "retired" on several occasions.

The options are there, he just doesn't know which ones are worth mentioning.

The look on his face shows the internal pressures he is facing. The frustration of not knowing what is "worth it," and what isn't is troubling him. He wonders why it is so hard to talk about your own life outside of wrestling.

He glance back over towards Brandon, who is just throwing various props about. The pile of props has transformed into a mess that resembles that of the remnants of a tornado damage.

Brandon Evans: OH MY GOD!!!

The exclamation is blood curdling.

What could have made a man shriek in such a way?

As Jake quickly looks over, Brandon stands holding one of the most vile props he has ever seen. The prop is laden with lifelike veins protruding from it.

Brandon Evans: For the love of God please tell me this wasn't in one of your skits?! It's got bloody sh!t on it!

The large black prosthetic penis he holds sends Jake doubled over in laughter.

Jake Starr: Yeah... I believe that one belonged to "Daddy D!"

Brandon Evans: Or should he be "Big Dick Daddy D?"

Jake Starr: Both work!

Brandon immediately drops the prosthetic appendage to the ground, and begins an even quicker hunt for hand sanitizer. As Evans runs off in search of something to clean his hands with, the Producer walks in to speak with Jake. He informs Jake that they'll begin filming shortly, and if there are any issues, he'll be quick to let Jake know over the PA system.

The two speak about exactly how the shoot will work. Jake explains that he doesn't need any help from the teleprompter, and most of what he'll be saying is going to ad-lib. He does explain that he has a serious knack for trailing off on random tangents, and should that be noticed, be sure to steer him back the right direction.

Both men begin to laugh.

From the side, Brandon comes running back in. His hands are dripping with liquid hand sanitizer.

Jake Starr: Jesus Christ dude... The cock made you have to go spank out a load that big?

Brandon glares at Jake.

Brandon Evans: F_ck you!

Jake laughs, as does the producer.

Seeing as how this is Evans's first time on set with Jake, as he films one of his vignettes, Jake introduces him to the producer. Jake explains that he brought Brandon along to help him make sure he doesn't forget too many of the "major events" of his life. Brandon looks up quickly, shocked that he is actually required to do something other than stand around and look pretty for the camera.

As Jake sees the slight panic in the eyes of his friend, he tries to calm him down. He tells Brandon that he is one of the few people who know his history of life fairly well. If at all else, he knows all of the major happenings. Jake knows his memory about his own life can sometimes be hit or miss, and it's nice to have someone there to, kind of, remind him of things he may forget.

Hearing that, Brandon begins to relax. He folds his arms together, forgetting that he has drenched them in hand sanitizer. His face winces as he realizes his shirt is now covered, and a jelly-like mess has covered his shirt.

Brandon Evans: Son of a...

The producer quickly tells Jake that it is almost time to begin shooting. Jake acknowledges with a nod, and tells Brandon to have a seat. Evans is reluctant, seeing how his shirt now gives off the appearance he could be lactating. He opts to lean forward, and hopefully cover the stain. Jake shakes his head and laughs.

Starr looks over to his left where the production booth is for the studio, and sees the producer walk in. The producer keys the PA microphone to let Jake know filming will begin in 15 seconds. Hearing that, Jake reads over his notes quickly one more time, and looks up at the camera. Brandon, still staring at his shirt, is slapped on the arm, and Jake points to the camera.

Producer: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

With the final countdown, Jake looks into the camera and begins his speech.

Jake Starr: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. The evil that...

The producer quickly interrupts the Adrenaline Champion.

Producer: Umm... Jake...

Jake looks over at the booth annoyed.

Jake Starr: WHAT?!

Brandon Evans: Umm... That was a speech from Mark Antony in Shakespeare’s play "Julius Caesar."

Jake's face goes from annoyance to confusion.

Jake Starr: Really?

Producer: Umm... Yeah...

Jake glances over at Evans, and backhands his arm.

Brandon Evans: Ow!

Jake Starr: You're supposed to tell me these things!

Brandon Evans: I thought you meant to say it!

Jake Starr: Hell no! Do you honestly THINK that I read Shakespeare?

Brandon Evans: Maybe?

Jake Starr: NO!

Jake takes a deep breath in an attempt to refocus. He looks over at the production booth.

Jake Starr: Can we try again?

Producer: Umm... Sure...

Jake Starr: Good...

This time Jake counts himself down, from five, and then tries to begin his speech again.

Jake Starr: Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears! I...

Brandon Evans: Jake...

Again, being interrupted annoys Jake, as he looks over at Evans.

Jake Starr: WHAT NOW?!

Brandon Evans: Well... You said I was supposed to let you know things, so I am... That was from Ace Ventura...

Jake Starr: No it wasn't!

Brandon Evans: The second one...

Jake Starr: Oh... I think I slept through half of that one!

Brandon Evans: But... But it was...

Jake Starr: Well sh!t! I was hoping I could have some blockbuster line to open with.

Brandon Evans: Using Shakespeare and Ace Ventura was pretty "blockbuster" if you ask me!

Evans's wit breaks Jake's annoyance level down.

Jake Starr: Ok... Third time's a charm!

Once again, Jake counts himself down, and begins again.

Jake Starr: Dearest SCW...

Jake cracks a smile, and shifts his eyes back and forth, knowing who he just cited. He waits for someone to break in and tell him, but nobody does.

Jake Starr: Wow... The one time I know I'm plagiarizing someone, nobody interrupts me. Thanks f_ck-o's!

Jake's attention goes back to the camera, and he begins... For real.

Jake Starr: I am hear today for a reason. See, in recent times, I have done nothing but trash those who let the world into their private lives. I have lambasted those who allow the world to see the "other side" of the coin, away from their lives in professional wrestling. And with that disdain, I was met with a forceful backlash. It seems that, even though I seemingly believe it is completely inane, irrelevant, stupid, retarded, gay, dumb, pointless, and several other adjectives, to parade your personal life around, I seemingly am outnumbered. So I have come here today, to give the world a taste of my life, from the beginning, to now. Hopefully this will allow you all to "understand" me, and "get to know me" for the future.


Several years ago, my father came into his... Ok wait that isn't what I wanted to say...

Several years ago, my father was on top of his... Ok that's not it either...

Several years ago, my father exploded...

After the third try Jake's level of frustration peaks.

Jake Starr: GOD DAMMIT! LINE?!

Having made a quick copy of Jake's notes, the producer looks down, and then tries to help the champion out.

Producer: Umm... How about, "... my father captured one of his greatest championships?"

Jake looks at the production booth and nods.

Jake Starr: Sounds good!

He once again looks back at the camera.

Jake Starr: Several years ago, my father captured one of his many championships, this one, arguably his greatest. He and my mom knew it was time to celebrate. I decided I should celebrate too!

The camera pans over to allow room for a graphic to be overlaid onto the screen. An image of a single sperm appears, with a grinning photo of Jake Starr, himself, super-imposed onto the head. The sperm is also giving a cheesy thumbs up. Brandon, having not seen this, begins to laugh, while the production crew all begins to panic, thinking it's a mistake. Jake grins, and continues.

Jake Starr: So my father and mother begin to hump like bunnies. That was when I was blasted out of my father's "cannon" and into the first test of my life. I swam and swam, encountering little fibrous hairs attempting to deter my progress. I would not be stopped! I was hungry! It was breakfast time! I wanted eggs! And there I found it... It was...

Producer: Umm Jake?

Jake's eyes bulge as he slowly twists his head over to the production booth.

Producer: ... I am not quite sure that's the kind of "getting to know you" that you should be aiming for...

Jake Starr: So what should I do?

Producer: Maybe... Skip ahead a few years?

Jake Starr: Skip ahead a few years... Ok...

Jake shakes his head, and takes a deep breath.

Jake Starr: ... So one time I was in high school with this easy lay, right? Lord knows what diseases she had, I didn't ask. But we were in barracks for classrooms, and we met up in the shared bathrooms one day, and I made her...

All of a sudden, from the back of the studio a door is heard slammed open. Jake looks back and as he sees the door begin to close, Kanye West comes flying into frame.

Kanye West: Yo Jake... Man I know you do some good promo and such but... ASHER HAYES MAN HAD A DOPE ONE ALREADY! He done gone and did the best one eva!

Jake sits in complete shock.

Is this really happening?

Is Kanye West really interrupting his attempt to help those watching SCW get to know him?

As Kanye finishes his plug for Asher's promo Jake's head slams on the desk in disbelief. He begins to feel someone nudging him, and as his head rises up, he begins to look around for Kanye West.

Jake Starr: Where'd he go?!

Brandon looks at Jake confused.

Brandon Evans: Where'd who go?

Jake looks back at his friend, now also confused.

Jake Starr: Kanye West! I was just cutting my little diddy about how people can get to know me, next thing I know Kanye West is interrupting me like I'm some overrated white bitch on TV.

Brandon Evans: Dude... You've been zoning out for the past, like ten minutes!

Jake looks at Brandon completely shocked at what he just heard. He begins to chuckle, however, realizing that he hadn't been victim number two on the "Kanye West Blow Up Your Spot Tour." As the producer alerts Jake to them being ready to finally film, Jake decides to take everything in an alternate direction.

Jake Starr: Ladies and gents of SCW... I was coming here today to completely give in to your desire for knowledge into my life, but that urge has now-since, come and past. I could give a sh!t about it. I tried to think about playing that little game, and realized it's only for people who have no life, and actually have some hope that by showing people those little excerpts from their miserable existence, people will care. Guess what stupid... THEY DON'T!

Now, let's get to what does matter. Breakdown, and Asher Hayes.

Asher Hayes, I've made it clear, is someone I'm not going to just cast aside. I know I'm going to emerge on top, but casting him aside would be quite dumb. He is smart. He understands me. He accepts what happened at Apocalypse as a complete farce. That is very smart of him.

He's also really good at recalling details about the past, you can't discredit him there!

He made a proposal to me, that I have to say, struck a chord with me. He proposed we distance ourselves from the external battles we're fighting, away from each other, for one night. We distance ourselves from our demons to actually give it our all for one night, and not let homoerotic men with goatees, and their power-bottom boy-toys, bother us. Oh and we can't forget the disease-ridden whore that is plaguing him. Asher wants to make this something to remember. He wants this to be something the fans clamor about for ages. If that's what he wants to make this match, I'm all for it. Screw the surroundings, let's do it right. Hell... It'll show SOME champions what it is like to actually have to show up to leave a winner.

Asher, I understand where the conundrum can appear when the fans are torn. It pulls at their heart strings to see two of their favorites not siding with one another against the "baddies," and they just don't know what to do. The thing is... It's part of the business. If you really want to ignore your battle with "Queen of the Smelly Vag," herself, you can't allow her reaction to anything effect you. If you do, you're not going to be giving it everything you said you want to be giving. I agreed to that, so I expect you to deliver.

Whatever it is that Foxx may say should be irrelevant, much like her career. Anytime she opens her mouth, all I see are two labia lips flapping in the wind, and audible queefing. It isn't something I would consider "good" to listen to. She'll run her mouth, and in the end, she'll still just be a talking vagina, and nothing more.

But back to your point about tearing the fans apart. I want to address that for another moment. Besides Foxx flapping her meaty pussy lips at you, what are you fearful of? Why are you so afraid of allowing the fans an option. Why are you fearful that their choice may not be you? Where do these insecurities come from? Are you basing your fear of choice on the whole story of Adam and Eve? Does it scare you that, when allowed to choose, people don't always make the "right" choice? If that is, indeed, where your fear comes from, you're basically wishing that the fans be brainwashed into thinking one way.

There in-lies a fundamental difference between us Asher. I encourage the fans to see both of us, and decide for that match who they want to cheer for. If it is you, I want to hear them cheering your name loudly. If it is me, I want to see my fellow Misfits standing behind me, loudly and proudly. Hell if they hate us both, make it known. You shouldn't discourage people from expressing themselves Asher. One false move won't tear our legions of fans away from us. If that were the case, don't you realize mine would have probably not been too happy knowing I, basically, used you to aide myself in taking out that twat? That should have run some of my fans off. It didn't. Sure some may not have been to keen on me doing it, but in the end, they realize that this is a business. We sometimes have to do things a little "against the grain" to get ahead.

But you don't seem to totally understand that do you? You seemingly have to attribute personal feelings towards things, and, as you said, "... be all emo about it." Well, if it hurt your feelings, sorry. Ok... Maybe I'm not. Honestly, when it comes to ME and MY CAREER, I do what I have to do. Sometimes it means pulling at heart strings, other times it may mean doing something against my better judgment. But... Just to humor you, let me serenade you with a little song, that may help you during this "emo" phase of your life...

A music bed begins to play. Jake spins around in his chair, and begins to do something the camera can't quite make out. Once he is done, he can be seen putting in some eye drops to his eyes. As he spins back around, he has put eyeliner on his eyes, and he has allowed the eye drops to run down his face, like tears. He stares into the camera with a depressed look on his face, and begins to sing.

Hey, there, I know it's hard to feel
Like I don't care at all
Where you are and how you feel
With these lights off as these wheels
Keep rolling on and on

Slow things down or speed them up
Not enough or way too much
How are you when I'm gone?

And I can't make it on my own
Because my heart is in Ohio

So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So cut my wrists and black my eyes
So I can fall asleep tonight, or die

Because you killed me
You know you do, you kill me well
You like it too and I can tell
You never stop until my final breath is gone

The music bed slowly fades out, and Jake pulls out a, obviously fake, razor, and begins to saw on his wrists. Brandon begins to try and console Jake, but he continues to pretend to cry.


Brandon tries not to laugh as he plays the "good friend" to his emo colleague.

As quickly as it started, Jake promptly stops the "tears," and gazes back into the camera.

Jake Starr: How was that Asher? Did you get a good cry out of those lyrics? I sure did! You should thank me for keeping you relevant during that time period. Nobody really knew what was going on in your life, nor did they care. You and Rachel had this whole tension thing you both milked for every damn dime it was worth, and thank God it's coming to an end. The complete predictability in your melodrama was boring me to the point I was considering listening to My Chemical Romance, and trying to find out how it exactly related to my every existence.

If you think you're actually going to emerge victorious against me, think again slick. I'm well aware of your history. But unlike you, I'm not coming up short of being the FUTURE of this division, which still I'm unaware of what this "division" is, and the FUTURE of this business. Asher Hayes had his chance, and he promptly threw it into the vagina of Rachel Foxx. I came up short against Exeter for one reason, and you even mentioned it yourself. It has no comparison to you and your failure.

But the fact you are in love with this belt, is kind of frightening. You may want to seek counseling. This can't provide you with the necessities of love, so... Yeah... Kind of creepy! "The one that got away?" Hmm... Yeah... Mmm k!

While the similarities between you and I are numerous, the differences continue you pile up. I, for one, love women. You, however, love to have sex with wrestling belts. Another one, which you promptly brought up, was our differences in the promos. You say you stroll down memory lane, while I build up the match. Hell one of us has to. You, when your not saying things that creep people out, are saying nothing relevant at all. So, I figure why not, I'll be the one who actually shows INITIATIVE and do something like that.

And then you talk about fast forwarding... Well then welcome to my world there killer. You and I both have to do that. Your's started off strong, then, went into a period of nothing, then HEY LOOKY HERE, more match stuff. The only problem was, there wasn't much consistency in what you said. One moment you're an emo boob crying for the fact Rachel won't pretend to like you anymore, then after that you're this sh!t talking badass.

So... Which is it? Are you a boob, or a badass?

I'm going to bet on boob! Why? Because you made this plea to start off with, like I said I agreed with, to put our external issues aside for this match. Then, you turn around, after the whole part of talking with some Mexican pool boy, about how earlier I mentioned Rachel BEFORE you issues this diatribe. Are we dealing with it, or are we not?

You want to not worry about Rachel, and yet you're worrying about what I say about her? Someone I think still has a little crushy-wushy on a little Rachey-wachey! Isn't it cute Brandon?

Brandon Evans: So cute it makes me blush!

Jake Starr: Exactly! He's so concerned with how I treat his ex. I mean he's so delusional about her, he even made a comment acting like she chose some other guy over me? First off... Since when was I trying to get with her? I'm kind of taken, and my wife probably wouldn't approve of me bringing home a mistress. I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that.

I'm sorry she dumped you to go about her merry ways. I don't like her because I think she's a worthless bitch, and easily manipulated. I'm sorry it hurt you to know that I pulled at her little heartstrings when I used you to distract her. Did you see a glimmer of hope that your relationship could somehow make it through this rocky patch of time? Face it... She's moved on to new dick. She doesn't want yours anymore. Get over it. It's life. It sucks! She's a bitch!

So last thing on her... Either deal with her before Breakdown, or after. Make up your mind. But don't be asking me to agree to some "deal" to help make our match better, and then contradict yourself minutes later.

Now what's next on his inane blabbering... Ah yes. I love to hear myself talk, and he beat Allocco.

The first part, it's true. I love hearing myself put down pieces of trash, and completely force them off of their game. So, yeah... You're kind of right there.

Now, as far as Allocco goes, and wow talk about a name out of right field to be brought in, you beat him! To quote Christian Bale, "OH GOOD FOR YOU!!!" I made that damn fool run away from SCW. Beat that. Damian Angel screwed me over, so he is relevant to my life right now, and in turn, relevant to yours. Because while you may not admit it, anything that happens to me, happens to you.

But apparently I haven't proven anything at all. Apparently victories over Justin Davis, Rachel Foxx, you know her right, Christian Savior, Ace Marshall, Stacy Kissinger, thrice, and so on and so on, can be wiped away by two losses, and make it all worthless. If we're going down that road, what does, what, FIFTEEN losses mean? Hell if two means I just haven't proven anything, I guess fifteen means you're entire career has been a bust. With your logic, fifteen losses signifies reason to commit suicide.

You know Asher... For someone who is an emo boob, to actually suggest you're speaking from the heart when you sound confident isn't the best way to word things. Honestly... If I were you, and you were REALLY speaking from the heart, every time you came on the air to say anything, or address anyone, you should cry incessantly, and beg Rachel to take you back, and if she doesn't say you'll kill yourself. THEN you'd be speaking from the heart. Now you're just speaking in whatever verbal excrement you can conjure up to make yourself sound tough. It fails. BADLY!

If you truly are the "now" of SCW, I can see why it is in dire need of me to dethrone you. It doesn't have to do with anything but the betterment of this company. The "now" is the reason I came back to this business. The "now" has HURT this business. The "now" has basically taken a steaming sh!t on those who have already hung their boots up, and had their careers put to rest. The "now" is a pure and unadulterated FAILURE!

There is a phrase that explains it quite nicely... The FUTURE is NOW. Now, don't go saying "YOU JUST SAID THE NOW IS A BUST," and expect it to mean anything. The only thing that'd be accomplishing is that you're trying your best to validate your meager existence here. You want to try and give a reason to the fact that you're career is coming to a close here, and you're slowly becoming a HAS BEEN. You've had your time in the limelight, and it's time you accept that it is dimming to darkness. The light has shifted to the FUTURE. That is how the FUTURE is NOW. The next evolution of the "now" will bring everything back to the way it SHOULD be.

To sum everything up... You won't be winning at Breakdown; you won't be emerging the new Adrenaline Champion of SCW; you won't get Rachel Foxx back; and you're a boob. Hopefully you were able to comprehend all of that, and when I actually get to hear back from you, you won't have to resort to using so much filler of Mexican pool boy's in Speedos, and a Rachel Foxx look-alike, to help you fill up time.

Enjoy these final days Asher... I know I will...

As Jake finishes his words to his opponent, he looks over at the production booth, and nods. The recording is stopped, and the tape is sent to the editing room so it can be edited for television.

The producer comes out of the booth to tell Jake it looked and sounded good from inside the booth.

Jake, Evans, and the producer all exchange pleasantries before the two SCW stars make their ways out of the studio, and subsequently out of the building. Jake continues to prepare himself, and ready himself, for, arguably, the biggest match of, not just his stint in Supreme Championship Wrestling, but in his entire career.

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