Thoren Holt: ... So if Jake to the point where he actually TALK about the Rose Bowl, yet?

Brandon Evans: Oh GOD no. You have NO IDEA how bitchy he STILL is about almost getting tickets TWICE, and it falling through both times!

Thoren Holt: Why couldn't Eric pull some strings and get him tickets?

Brandon Evans: OH TRUST ME! He tried! Something happened during the initial communication with "his people" and it fell through.

Thoren Holt: That's surprising. I figured he had connections that guaranteed things... Or at least that is what I was almost made to believe.

Brandon Evans: Oh he does. The problem is said connections didn't understand Eric wanted the tickets, and thought he was only asking if he could get some if he needed. Those tickets then got procured by someone else, and he couldn't get his hands on anymore for Jake. Crazy thing is, Jake was wanting to pay for the damn things!

Thoren Holt: Why didn't he StubHub it?

Brandon Evans: He got screwed by StubHub with fake tickets once. Now he's just constantly butthurt about that, too.

Thoren Holt: Ah...

Brandon Evans: So yeah... The Rose Bowl is still a VERY touchy subject with him!

Thoren Holt: Hell, I'd have seen it as an omen. I wouldn't have wanted to have personally witnessed that thrashing!

Brandon Evans: Yeah, well, Jake is a strange bird with Iowa football. Like he only was able to watch until the end of the first quarter, until he almost punched a hole in his own leg, and he had to go for a walk. Honestly I haven't seen him that angry outside of the ring in YEARS! That was like a whole new level of rage that made me wonder if any furniture would survive, or if the TV would end up having something thrown through it. BUT... Having said that he still contends he would have rather been there in person.

Thoren Holt: Umm... Why?

Brandon Evans: I think it is because of the fact that it's been a dream of his to see Iowa in the Rose Bowl, live. And on top of that he could have hurled profanities along with 40,000 other angry Hawkeyes fans. I think he believes it would have been a bit cathartic for him. Now, nobody else in that household understands his brutal anger toward Iowa losing, and quite honestly, nobody even TRIES to comprehend it anymore. It honestly makes NO SENSE to anyone, and it drives most of us crazy. But we deal with it. We can see it coming, and know to just pretend it doesn't exist. We know to avoid him until the "rage monster" leaves the building...

Thoren Holt: And how long does that take?

Brandon Evans: Eh... Honestly between 24 and 48 hours, depending on the importance of the game. Dude didn't even SPEAK to anyone after the Iowa/Michigan State game until Iowa got the Rose Bowl nod. He was so upset thinking Ohio State would jump Iowa, he was already resigned to the fact he was going to be even more upset. Next thing you know, they're in, and MAGICALLY Jake is back to normal. It is a weird switch that he has in his head that only gets turned on or off when Iowa does good or bad.

Thoren Holt: Can we say bipolar, much?

Brandon Evans: When it comes to Iowa football, Jake is a human whirlwind of emotional change...

Jake Starr: ... Ok so before EITHER of you ask, I can explain everything!

Brandon Evans: Ok... Go on then... We're listening...

Jake Starr: I only agreed to let Evans be a part of this Tag Title match because it was a guarantee I could afford...

Jake Starr: ... I knew Evans would completely drop the ball against Chastaine, and he would be scrambling to find his next magic title opportunity. More importantly, I know that I am in Evans' head with the fact that he is SO bent out of shape thinking I made the announcement to screw him over against Amy. That loss will make him DESPERATE. He will want to prove that he can "perform" at the highest level, and honestly I knew that finding someone else MIGHT prove to be a bit of a difficult task for me.

Brandon Evans: Well maybe if you'd go around being a little NICER to people, it wouldn't be so hard to find friends?

Jake Starr: Oh please! Everyone else can eat my shit, for all I care. The fact is, Evans is going to want to go out there and make a statement to both the world AND his precious Kennedy, that he isn't a complete failure of a human being. He'll want to do that by taking out someone major. With Gable and Autumn, if he beats them, it would make them look so special. He would have a shiny gold belt around his waist, and he could run to her to show it off, like a kid with a new toy.

So you don't have to worry about him!

If he decides to be a rat, trust me, I will deal with him AFTER I beat the two of them, and win the Tag Titles by myself. Hell I don't care! I am willing to handle MY BUSINESS with him or without his ass. It's up to James to be a man or be a puss.

The fact is, I know dipshits like James. I know how hungry people like that are for validation to their existence, so I would bank on Evans being there. I would bank on him being fired up, and ready to prove something.

Brandon Evans: Well... That's good to know... There's just one major issue that you aren't taking into account, though.

Jake Starr: Ugh... What? Are you guys worried about Kennedy? Are you worried about Porno Lad? Those two yokels know better than to involve themselves in MY BUSINESS. And for fuck's sake... Those two couldn't muster the energy to help Evans actually DO anything relevant. I mean, sure, Evans probably told them to stay back and let him prove himself, but we all know how reliable those two are about not getting involved with shit.... They keep their word about as well as Kim Jong Un!

I mean, seriously, yeah James probably said don't help me, but don't you think they would have helped him against Amy, if they gave a shit?

Thoren Holt: Well I would think so...

Jake Starr: Exactly! But ultimately, when it comes to this match, I am the ONLY one who knows how to utilize the steel chair effectively. And whether he's there or not, THAT ALONE will equalize the fight. So if he tucks and runs, or those two cronies decide to try and fuck with me, I will put them in their place!

Jake Starr: Now does that help you with your "issues?"

Brandon Evans: Umm... No... Not really!

Jake Starr: Then what, pray tell, is it, then?

Brandon Evans: Well, honestly, it's quite simple. When you walked up, you looked at us and assumed we were bitching about you and James Evans again. The fact is, neither of us were even giving it an iota of thought about him. We figured you were handling it, and honestly, we have gotten to the point where we understand that your finger is squarely on the pulse of that matter. We realize you can direct orders if necessary.

Jake Starr: Then... Umm... Why did you both look at me like I was the topic of conversation?

Brandon Evans: Honestly, because I was explaining to Thoren about the inner rage monster that lies within your body, any time Iowa starts to play like shit!

Brandon Evans: ... No really... He's like that!

Brandon Evans: Like during the first couple of drives to open the Iowa/Nebraska game, this guy starts swearing at the TV, like the game was about to end.

IT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING DRIVE!

Iowa THUMPED Nebraska that game, and he was all bitchy about the first couple of drives early on, like it was dictating the way the game was going!

Jake Starr: Shut up!

Jake Starr: Well who cares anyway... When I win the Powerball on Saturday, it won't matter. If I get upset, I'll be able to just go buy myself something pretty, and it'll all be better.

Brandon Evans: Whatever you say, there, Princess!

Jake Starr: Ladies and gents, let me welcome you to my 2016. Sure, others probably have already welcomed you, and you probably think their welcome was a little nicer, but oh fucking well, here is mine!

With a new year, many things happen. Many people have traditions in their family, or superstitions they follow, to try and kick start the New Year right. Some people, they see kissing the love of their life at midnight as a way of ensuring the love and passion will continue throughout the duration of the next 12 months. Then you have the idea that black eyed peas, for some ungodly reason, represent the way to ensure good luck throughout the year. Hell, for my folks, they make soup out of a log of Velveeta, or clam chowder, and eat it with King's Hawaiian bread.

Whatever the case is, the odds are you and your batshit crazy family have some type of superstition that they run with, and you probably are someone who swears by it. You swear that it is what will dictate whether the New Year is good or bad. And while all of the families and individuals have their own superstitious belief, there is one practice that almost EVERYONE engages in before the clock strikes midnight...

New Year's Resolutions!

These random bets with one's self are pretty common across all individuals across the world. That even extends into the locker room of Supreme Championship Wrestling! That's right, folks. Your favorite superstars in SCW are out there making their own New Year's Resolutions. Now, some may have tweeted or made comments about what theirs would be, and you may think you know a lot, but I'm here to shed some light on what they actually have said behind the scenes...

Now I know I have gotten a LOT of shit in the past for doing this. Truth is, SCW management HATES when I give people this inside view and tear down the wall between what is and is not seen. They tend to say it disturbs reality, but I say oh well. They got mad when I talked about me telling the world about the Secret Santa party, but you know, a lot of people found it intriguing!

So I figure I do it again!

SCW has this tradition where they bring this cork board around backstage in the holiday season, and have all of the SCW stars post their own New Year's resolutions for everyone to read. Management thinks it will help boost morale, and make people see who one another really is, since we really don't give a fuck otherwise. So I figured I would bring some of these to you guys, and SHARE, since that is what Caucasian, Republican Jesus would do, as long as it wasn't with terrorists or people of any other ethnicity! I want everyone to know about what we're all like backstage, so, without any further adieux, let me bring some of these to you!

Let's begin with Ravyn Taylor, shall we? When I read her post on the cork board, I was shocked. Her resolution is to "admit to her gradual transformation to Raymond Taylor." All I can fathom about this is that Caitlyn Jenner really inspired him/her/it. So for that, kudos! I hope the transition to completing that clit-penis is an easy and somewhat cheaper one than converting a penis into a vagina.

Then there's Merrick Wiseman. Merrick, let's be real, is a quack. Dude thinks he's somehow a lawman from the wild west, and makes less sense when he's talking than Gary Busey. His resolution, however, actually seemed worthwhile. He resolved to "find the man or men or women who killed Tupac!" Now, I don't know about you all, but the death of Tupac is the biggest unsolved mystery in history. And if he is going to play Halloween and dress in costume year round, why not actually do something useful? FIND THAT PERSON! BRING JUSTICE TO THE WEST SI-EEEEEEE-DE!

Rachel Foxx, her resolution is the same as it is every year, or every year I have been in SCW, "don't rape anyone with a frying pan." Makes sense... She is very evil, and if I got raped with a frying pan, I would want to die. So, thanks Rachel! Here's to another year of nobody having their innards turned into a sautee.

Let's see... Ace Marshall promised to "not impregnate any underage women..."

Regan Street said her resolution was to "remind David Helms that he lost to me on a daily basis," which I must say is SUPER thoughtful!

CHBK vowed to "sign up for AARP..."

Syren promised to "drive us crazy by forcing herself down our throats every five minutes," which sounds like "repeat the past five years," to me...

OH! And Mr. D assured everyone "he wouldn't give anyone a World Title shot who isn't deserving, unless it's Jake Starr 50 times in a row." This truly helped inspire me!

And then there's James Evans, who resolved to "HOPEFULLY not catch any VD from Kennedy Street, but NOT from Porno Lad." I honestly think this is positive, up to a point! I mean, let's be real, Porno Lad has had his pecker in more human beings than Lexington Steele. And conversely, his mouth and asshole have welcome mats in front of them at all times!

... And speaking more of James Evans, many are wondering why I offered to let him be LUCKY enough to be by my side, after he kind of screwed the pooch the first time. Truth is, it's more of Jake Starr knowing how title-hungry he is, and how much he sees it as a VALIDATION of his existence. If I went with someone else, I would have to question whether or not they would be as dedicated to the cause as I am. BUT... With him completely fumbling the ball against Chastaine, which I must say was quite sad, I knew this would be something he would really try for.

Having said all of that, James, I wanted to relay a message to you, so you can subsequently disseminate it amongst your newly found brood of STDs... You are LUCKY I am letting you get into this match. Quite honestly, watching you pal around with those twats just gives me the heebie jeebies every time I see it. The truth is, though, we both know why you're doing it. You see them as an opportunity to get yourself ahead, and it almost worked. You got into a mini-tournament to vie for the World Title, and where were they? Why couldn't they get you into that match? Truth is they don't give a shit about you. You don't give a shit about them either. You want them to get you into a title picture, and when you were in one, you dropped the ball faster than a boy going through puberty.

Your greed pisses me off, but I know it's one of those guarantees that will help me ensure your undivided attention at the pay-per view. You want a championship so bad, you'll do anything. So be ready to do it. More importantly, leave your little dog pound at home. They show up, they'll be in for just as much of a beating as the two bitches who stole the titles in the first place. I don't particularly care whose head I will be taking off, but I will be walking out as a Tag Team Champion, whether it's by myself, or with you there, too.

Just don't forget that...

Now, before everything gets ugly and brutal in Las Vegas, I have a little business to tend to at Breakdown. See, while it's been a while since I've been inside the ring, but it doesn't mean I have forgotten about what is important. And while I have a guaranteed title shot in Vegas, the the Shot of Adrenaline Tournament is something that means a LOT to me. See, knowing that this tournament not only leads to the Adrenaline Title shot, but knowing that once these "pool play" matches are over, I could potentially end up with an Adrenaline Title match AS WELL, it means a LOT! And aside from the first little moment of kissing my sister, I have been steamrolling ANYONE who crosses my path.

That trend will continue when I step into the ring with Tyler Tucker, as well. See, Tyler is someone who, I will openly admit, I don't know all of the nuances about, like I do some of the other individuals in this organization. What I do know about this guy is that he isn't someone who will be able to excel in this industry until he can get over this awkward persona he has. I would say growing would help, too, but the fact is, he's never experienced what ADRENALINE means. I get it, though, his lover and partner in crime and he call themselves Adrenaline Rush. So that qualifies him to be in MY DIVISION?!

No!

All it qualifies Tyler Tucker for is the status of WANNABE! Tyler, you and I are in this tournament trying to win the same opportunity. The problem is, though, you're walking into a match with someone who DEFINES what ADRENALINE truly is. You can put ANY nickname you want in front of your name, but the problem is, to DEFINE it is something completely different. I showed this to your butt-buddy, and I put him FIRMLY in his place. I showed him what it is truly like to be in the world of ADRENALINE, and you know what happened, his ass got PUT IN ITS PLACE. So do you honestly think he can prepare you? Do you think that he can somehow tell you how to succeed where he couldn't?

Again... NO!

Tyler, I get it... You want to be a champion in SCW. You want to show the world what Adrenaline Rush is about. But you're nothing in my eyes. You're someone who is trying to step into MY WORLD, and you don't even know what to expect. You can have every person I have beat down give you the ideas of how to handle me, and how to win. You can watch every match I have competed in, but in the end, none of it will do you any good. You see, I see this tournament as the beginning of my redemption. I had a completely forgettable 2015. Nobody gives a SHIT about anything I did, except for the fact I pissed everyone off. So in 2016, I plan on making people care about EVERYTHING I do, while continuing to piss them off!

Don't you see that you're one of those great, white, hopes for these rejects? They don't want me winning. They don't want me to be able to say I am a champion again. Nobody wants that but me, and it's because I'm already an unbearable asshole, and when you put a title around my waist, I become even worse! So you're one of those people I want to hang on my trophy wall, enjoy notching in the win column, and seeing all of your peers desperately trying to find their next savior against me. It's a fun dance. It's a fun routine to see DESPERATION in the eyes of the locker room as they watch me win, and strut by them backstage. They LOATHE the sight of me waving at them as I enter my dressing room, once again crushing their worthless hopes and dreams.

But I love every minute of it!

I yearn for these moments, and you're going to find out FIRST HAND why I am the favorite, and you're merely someone who will soon fall by my wayside. When this match ends, unfortunately for you, I will probably forget who you are. You'll be another beaten and battered mess. You'll be someone who WISHES for the day he can say he is as GREAT as Jake Starr. You'll be another impression of what ADRENALINE actually stands for, while I do what it takes to DEMONSTRATE it. And if you think I'm wrong, once the match is over, I'll convince you with a personal introduction to a steel chair I once named for the fun of it. Regardless... You will remember losing to me. I will remember my first stepping stone BACK to greatness in 2016, but I may not remember your name.

Tyler... You should let the beating you will sustain act as a lesson. It should teach you why you should NEVER impersonate something you aren't. You may be a caffeine junkie, but it doesn't make you someone who embodies ADRENALINE. Adrenaline is natural... Adrenaline is real... I defined that fucking notion in SCW, and I will do it again, this time even more clear than the first time. And if you elect to keep that nickname, you'll do so in HOMAGE to me. And I may allow that to happen...

Like I said, Tyler... I'm an asshole when you put titles around my waist. And that Adrenaline Championship is ALREADY as good as belonging to Jake Starr!

By the way... GSP wants the "Rush" part of his nickname back, too!

Back to Role Play Archive | Home